I always thought anxiety was bad.
As a therapist, I work with many people who struggle with anxiety. They feel overwhelmed. They overthink. Their minds are filled with what ifs.
What if something happens?
What if I make the wrong decision?
What if I fail?
What if I can’t handle it?
And sometimes the answer becomes avoidance. If I don’t go, don’t try, don’t confront it, or don’t think about it, maybe I can prevent the thing I fear from happening.
I understand that more than I once realized.
The type of therapy I practice is called TEAM Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or TEAM-CBT. In a nutshell, I like to describe cognitive behavioral therapy this way: the truth shall set you free.
Our thoughts have tremendous influence over how we feel and how we behave. But here’s what I have been learning: anxiety itself isn’t necessarily the enemy.
What If Anxiety Isn’t All Bad?
Anxiety has a purpose. It is part of our internal alarm system. It alerts us to possible danger and helps us pay attention, prepare, and protect ourselves.
The problem comes when the alarm keeps sounding when there is no immediate danger—or when the possibility that something could happen begins controlling how we live.
I know something about that personally.
Years ago, a woman who lived down the street from me was sitting in her car waiting for her husband. Some men approached her, pulled her from the car, and badly roughed her up.
I remember what that story did to me.
My mind said, That could happen to you.
From then on, I became very conscious about not sitting in an unlocked car. Even today, if I realize I’ve been sitting in my car with the doors unlocked, I may think, Regina, what are you doing?
But here’s the interesting part.
Is locking my car door a bad thing?
No.
It is a reasonable precaution. Anxiety alerted me to something that could potentially keep me safer.
But anxiety doesn’t always stop there.
I could hear about something terrible happening on the news or see something on social media and immediately begin thinking about how I could prevent it from happening to me or to someone I love.
One precaution could lead to another.
And another.
And another.
Before long, being cautious could leave me spending a lot of time in my own head.
My daughter has even told me that she believes I have put some of my anxiety onto her.
That gave me something to think about.
In trying to protect the people I love, had I also been teaching them what to fear?
Somewhere Between Careless and Afraid
I am learning that there has to be balance.
We live in a world where there are legitimate things to be concerned about. We hear about food recalls, extreme weather and climate concerns, violence, political uncertainty, and frightening things happening in our communities. Then we have our own private concerns about our families, health, finances, careers, relationships, and futures.
There is plenty available for an anxious mind to think about.
The question becomes:
How do I remain informed and wise about real dangers without allowing the possibility of danger to control my life?
I’m discovering that the answer isn’t pretending nothing bad can happen.
And it isn’t trying to anticipate everything that could.
It is learning to pay attention to what I am thinking.
Everything Starts With a Thought
The Bible says in Proverbs 4:23: “Above all, be careful what you think because your thoughts control your life.” — ERV
Romans 12:2 also speaks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds.
Even if you don’t share my Christian faith, there is wisdom in paying attention to what we allow our minds to repeatedly rehearse.
Our thoughts can run amok.
I know because mine have.
There was a period in my life when fearful thoughts seemed to haunt me. I began writing down Bible verses that spoke directly against what I was thinking and saying those Scriptures every day.
Something began to change.
The circumstances around me hadn’t necessarily changed. What changed was my relationship with my thoughts.
I became stronger than the thoughts that had been frightening me.
Looking back, I realize something else.
Years before I understood all the language of cognitive therapy, I was learning to challenge what my mind was telling me.
Today, my training as a therapist has given me another way to understand that experience.
Not every thought deserves to be believed simply because I thought it.
Not every what if requires an answer.
And feeling afraid does not necessarily mean I am in danger.
What Does Anxiety Say About You?
One of the things I appreciate about TEAM-CBT is something called Positive Reframing.
Instead of immediately asking, “How do I get rid of my anxiety?” we become curious about it.
What does my anxiety say about me that might actually be positive?
Maybe I’m anxious about my children because I love them deeply.
Maybe I’m anxious before speaking because doing a good job matters to me.
Maybe I worry about making mistakes because I am conscientious.
Maybe I’m concerned about safety because I value my life and the lives of the people I love.
That doesn’t mean I want anxiety controlling me.
It means I can acknowledge what is good underneath it before deciding how much anxiety I actually need.
That has been powerful for me.
Instead of declaring war on my anxiety, I can ask what it is trying to tell me.
Sometimes I need to listen.
Sometimes I need to challenge it.
And sometimes I need to thank it for trying to protect me and say, “I’ve got it from here.”
I’m Still Learning This
I wish I could tell you that because I’m a therapist and understand cognitive distortions, I never struggle with them.
I do.
Writing this blog has actually caused me to recognize some of the ways anxiety may still influence my life.
And perhaps that is part of why writing it feels vulnerable.
But I don’t want to wait until I have completely conquered something before I can speak truthfully about what I am learning from it.
I am learning that I can listen to anxiety without obeying everything it tells me.
I can lock my car door without believing someone is waiting to attack me.
I can pay attention to what is happening in the world without living as though catastrophe is waiting around every corner.
I can prepare without trying to control every possibility.
I can be cautious and still be free.
Maybe anxiety was never entirely the enemy. Maybe it was the way I thought about anxiety that made it the enemy.
I thought anxiety meant something was wrong. I thought I needed to get rid of it. Now I am learning to ask a different question: What is my anxiety trying to tell me, and how much of it do I really need?
Sometimes I need to listen to it.
Sometimes I need to challenge it.
And sometimes I need to thank it for trying to protect me and say, “I’ve got it from here.”
So once again, I find myself coming back to something simple:
Think about what you’re thinking about.
Exhale into Life with Regina
Masterpiece Quote
“I am a masterpiece in progress. Every lesson, every challenge, and even every struggle becomes a tool that continues to shape me.”
— Regina Hall
A reflection from Exhale into Life with Regina